It's been 19 days since I posted. I get up in the morning with a strong desire to write, but I've tasks to finish so I don't allow myself this writing pleasure. I cannot go on like this, not writing. I have much to say about so many things.
**If you are moving a student into college this fall, this may or may not be the post for you.**
I'm living on borrowed time. Teen boy leaves in 20 days. Our job is to grow them up and out; this is the moment we've been waiting for and also dreading. This summer, with him, has been a blend of typical "leaving for college" annoying attitude and true friendship developing. I mean, most of the moms I know agree that leaving for college children develop this 'tude the summer post-graduation. It is to help us pack them up and move them out. And to prevent us from missing them too terribly. They are so full of themselves and their emerging adult self. I spend time daily reminding him that I own the home, car, clothes and food that they call their own and yes he is still expected to do chores and help out.
However, this summer he's the oldest in the house as College Boy is living on campus, working on campus. He is my go-to guy for support. And he's a delight, I enjoy him. Of course, my anxiety is blossoming. I didn't realize until BFF Phil kept checking in on me both days that we were gaming this week. "Are you okay? Are you sure?" On the second day I had an epiphany. I am tired. Easy to explain, I'm not sleeping. AH! I'M NOT SLEEPING AND I AM TIRED! AH HA! Anxiety about him is concealed in my subconscious. See I talk the good talk. "Yes, this is an exciting time for him!" "Oh, this school is going to be a good fit for him!" "Sure, let's go shopping and get all the stuff you need!" I am UBER positive about this new chapter that he'll be writing in the story of his life. He's going to do and experience marvelous, fabulous new things! I mean he is, right!? But, deep inside, the anxiety lurks. What if the roommates are druggies that suck him into their hazy world? What if his depression emerges, claiming hold of his soul and preventing him from succeeding? What if the first time he goes to a frat party he drinks himself to death? What if he blows this opportunity to be all he can be? I guess these thoughts are just under the surface of my everyday positive self, creating a state of insomnia. I am remembering driving home, alone, from dropping College Boy off. I cried and cried and cried at 75 miles per hour terrified that in the night, his roommate would murder him. I know, that isn't a rational thought, but it was MY thought and fear and reality of the moment. Of course, that young man just locked him out so he could have sex with young stupid women to whom he wasn't committed.
In the next 20 days, Teen Boy will work and enjoy time with friends. I'm going on vacation with LRHB; a week of fabulous fun. And yet, I'll be fighting the demons inside. In the end, I will win, but it will be a sincere struggle as I remain strong for the little boy that will become an only child, supportive for the one starting a new life and empathetic towards Hero Daddy who won't know how to express his angst.